Loving you

Falling in love with you was the hardest thing I had to give up…

You taught me how to love.

I admit that when we first got together, I was very reluctant.

I don’t know a lot about relationships and the ones I’ve had were messy enough. I like simple. I do simple – mostly because that’s all I can manage at times. I don’t plan ahead and I didn’t think too deeply on things.

My dad told me once that I would drown in a puddle. And my mother spent most of my childhood telling me how amazing everyone else was around me and how little I mattered or was loved by everyone, herself included.

Things are different now of course. Mistakes were made and tears have been shed. We’re older and wiser for it too.

My relationship with God is my most meaningful one and the one I chose for myself. I say “chose” because God has always been ever present in my life – it wasn’t until I sought Him out, however, that I knew that our relationship started. I know it’s not my own doing, but it was my decision to make and one that I made wholeheartedly.

Before I knew it, there was you and I and although I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to keep what we were together. When I made the decision to stay, things changed. It was no longer you and I. It became about you and everything else and I was left scrambling to catch up, figure out where I fit in.

I love being alone but I don’t very much like being lonely. That’s why God was my comfort and my support and I’ve never felt lonely until you. I willingly left God’s comfort seeking yours and no matter how many times I told myself that God was there and all I needed was Him, physically and emotionally all I yearned was what you had given me but were not willing to give me any longer.

I have never felt my anger and resentment so acutely. I saw how it was festering and I had seen that in my parents many years ago. I like to think that we are different from what my parents became. We wouldn’t marry out of duty or an old-fashioned sense of responsibility – where the only feelings fostered were mild fondness but never once had either one imagined that a lifetime together would be more than passing friends. I like to think you and I were in love and wanted a life together – that when we talked about homes and children and building a family, it was more than fanciful words to pass the time or a misguided need to placate some deep feeling inside.

I am so immensely proud of who you are and how strong your character is but somewhere along the way, we both stopped trying and we both stopped living. We got comfortable and took our own expectations for granted. I don’t want to hate you and that’s why I am stopping whatever this has become.

I guess I can only be sad for what could have been but I don’t regret a moment with you. If I had to choose, you were definitely my favourite love affair.

 

 

 

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