I personally find it very hard to speak my mind. I have to be angry to say something and it’s usually something hurtful or nasty because I’m feeling vulnerable. I don’t know why that is, if I’m honest. It could be attributed to my past life experience and how I was brought up. What I was conditioned to.
I’m not very good at self analysis but I do acknowledge that I have a lot of issues to overcome and a lot of low self-esteem and paranoia.
It is quite ridiculous. I feel so oversensitive and vulnerable. I just want to have a purpose. I want to walk down a path and know that’s what I am meant to be doing with my life. That I am not disappointing my Father, or walking further and further away from His will. I feel stupid and childish and out of my depth and I don’t know what to do. I’m so clouded by disillusion and disappointment. I feel like a huge failure and entirely pointless, I don’t see how I can be precious at all. I want to know what God wants me to do because right now, all I can see are dead-ends.
I want to reach that moment where I can acutely feel, with everything in me that the fear of living without Jesus overwhelms the fear of having my heart broken again. I am God’s daughter, and there is nowhere I want to be more than by His side.
But I’m done hiding. I’m done being passive and expecting results to just land in my lap. I am a daughter of God and I am more than capable of doing life, one step at a time until our steps start aligning.
Overcoming difficulties are meant to be hard, otherwise there wouldn’t be growth.